Thanksgiving

and i feel so fat and i dont know what to do. i have to cook tommorow and my bf is telling me i need to lose more than 20 lbs to look skinny.. im 5'9 and 146 lbs and i told him i want to lose 20 lbs but apparently that isnt enough. so he yelled at me and told me to "fucking lose it or stop fucking complaining because thats what you do all the time and im sick of hearing it".. and we were watchingthe biggest loser and he mentioned that some of the contestants were my size and some even smaller than I after they lost weight.. and i feel like im delusional because i think i look alot skinnier than these distorted ex-obese people. i dont understand.

i want to fucking cut all the fat out of my body with a fucking kitchen knife.

i dont know what to do. someone help me btw. i am the second asian girl on the runway and i posted another pic from my last photoshoot. please tell me if i am crazy for thinking i only need to lose 20 lbs not more...

I hate Halloween.

went down to 145 then halloween brought me up to 147. working my bootie off to get this off.

what started this today

was when I was making fun of a chubby girl and i asked my boyfriend jokingly.. " do i look like that?" and he didnt say anything. his argument was that even if he said I was skinny I wouldnt believe him .. but I still like to hear from him that I am .. ugh idk FASTING STARTING NOW until im skinny.

FML i found some really triggering

old pictures of me today on a friends facebook. i look so gross . those pics were when i was 156 and im at 148 right now but i still feel gross. also my friends sister who i thought was chubby is apparently 150 and a inch shorter than me. fasting starting right now. im so disgusted by myself

im loving these thinspo vid btw.

also this one (THIN) swedish girl is giving me so much motivation.

I'm BACK!

ate less than 300 cals yesterday and im back to 148. 

not eating today..

not eating tommorow

not eating the day after tommorow

and so forth till i am in my 130's.

then im going to wait till my weight stabilizes and get my metalbolism back then the cycle starts again until im in my 120's [:

im so pumped and excited for this..

and i quit cheer so i can focus on ana and my singing [:

once i get to my 130's i am going VINTAGE shopping and spending $1000 on a new wardrobe of SMALLER teeny clothes. :D

hiatus

currently 148. im on a break, for my own sanity.

in the meantime... my birthday is coming up so im making a wishlist!

1.   http://www.chanel.com/fashion/8#8-large-flap-bag-1,1,3,4

2.  black rimless gucci sunglasses

3.  http://www.chanel.com/fashion/8#8-orylag-evening-clutch-with-pearl-chain-and-chanel-signature-1,1,3,26

1.  http://www3.jcpenney.com/jcp/X6.aspx?GrpTyp=PRD&ItemID=190ed85&DeptID=70731&CatID=71777&SO=0&x5view=1&Ne=5+3+14+1037+1031+23+18+904+949+833&shopperType=G&N=4294953499&Nao=42&PSO=0&CmCatId=70731

2.  more juicy velour pants/tracksuits

3. Chanel studs

4.  MAC eyeshadow pallette

5.  http://www1.bloomingdales.com/catalog/product/index.ognc?ID=469567&CategoryID=19956

6.  http://www2.victoriassecret.com/commerce/onlineProductDisplay.vs?namespace=productDisplay&origin=onlineProductDisplay.jsp&event=display&prnbr=KB-259434&page=4&cgname=OSCLOSPTZZZ&rfnbr=4623

(I like the black love pink one or the pink snake one)

7.  http://www2.victoriassecret.com/commerce/onlineProductDisplay.vs?namespace=productDisplay&origin=onlineProductDisplay.jsp&event=display&prnbr=KB-260395&page=1&cgname=OSCLODRSBLK&rfnbr=3198

8. I want this for when i get skinny.. http://www2.victoriassecret.com/commerce/onlineProductDisplay.vs?namespace=productDisplay&origin=onlineProductDisplay.jsp&event=display&prnbr=KB-259041&page=4&cgname=OSCLOSXYZZZ&rfnbr=3367

9.  http://www.forever21.com/product.asp?

catalog%5Fname=FOREVER21&category%5Fname=acc%5Fbelts&product%5Fid=2067392061&Page=1

10.  http://www2.victoriassecret.com/commerce/onlineProductDisplay.vs?namespace=productDisplay&origin=onlineProductDisplay.jsp&event=display&prnbr=KB-258907&page=2&cgname=OSCLOTOPHOO&rfnbr=6533

6 lbs in one day.

i freakin suck.

so i got down to 144lbs on saturday then i binged from saturday night and all of sunday.

and i weighed myself this morning and i am up to 149.9 lbs

wtf.

so i am in bed fucking depressed as shit. went to the gym this morning n took a bunch of laxitives that havent started working yet.

>:[

i hate binging.

no eating sundays either from now on.

ive been fasting since monday.

and im still 149..

am i doing something wrong? and the space between my thighs seem to be slowly closing up...

butbut i tried on smaller shirts and dresses that were tight on me and they fit really well!

only my shoulders are still huge but theres nothing really i can do about my bone structure... is there?

3rd day

3rd day of fasting.

i think i should eat really little to keep my metabolism from going into starvation mode.. 

ill eat a few blueberries.

undo-ing damages from sunday

i was hoping to be 149 by now.. but i am 150 after working out so hard yesterday and fasting:/

oh well hopefully tommorow.

back to 152

one day of bingeing and stuffing my fat cheeks all day made me gain 3 lbs.

well im fasting again so hopefully this will al come off by tommorow morning. i want to see 149 or lower tommorow morning when i wake up.

also today i went to see the orthodontist to figure out how to straighten my teeth. i model and sing so i need to figure out the most affective and quickest way to do so.

well im pretty nervous i hope i end up getting invisalign instead of actual braces. im a bit too old to have that and it wont do to well for my self esteem.

binge.

its 1am and i binged.

ate a korean pancake thing which is all carbs and kimchi, watermelon and a 1/4 spoonful of peanut butter.

tried to purge, all i got was a bunch of water and chili flakes.

FML

today is eating day but it was meant to start when i woke up tommorow... so depending on how much damage this did tommorow on the scale... i may or may not eat.

Mia shut up shut up shut up

i hate you Mia.

I was on miafriends and drooling over food porn of cheesy food and sushi.

About to have a binge then Ana told me to leave the site and go to an ana site where i can get my mind and willpower back.

right now i am chewing gum an wanting to go to the gym... but i cant find my ipod charger and my ipod is dead :/

i feel like such a fatass.

and i dont even know why. I had 3 slices of watermelon today and a bunch of tea and water and i peed a bunch.

but i just weighed myself and i gained 2 lbs from this morning.. bringing me back up to 150.

hopefully its all the water and tea ive been drinking today. I am currently drinking more green tea to make me pee all this weight off. :/

:[

and tommorow is my eating day but im not even sure if i want to eat anything tommorow I feel fat as fuck. 

!!!!140's!!!!!!

OMG IM IN MY 140's!

im 149.8 lbs lol

give me a week and half and ill get down to my 130's! 

:D

day 5

sooo im 151.1 lbs. im almost to my 140s !!!! :D

i havent had actual food since monday. and it feels amazing.

Heart attack and CW

So I had a heart attack coming this morning. day 4 of my super restricting. I am anemic, have Thallesemmia minor, been abusing my body with bingeing and purging the past year and im also on my period. Last time this happened I ended up having the ambulance pick me up from my house and take me to the hospital because I couldn't move, was throwing up and having diarrhea and was in so much pain.

Well this 4am morning I couldnt breathe. I felt the tightening of my chest and was freaking out so i dragged my limp body out of bed had a slice of watermelon and half an orange to bring my blood sugar up, drank water, took my vitamins and had tylenol. I also woke my bf in the other room to come sit with me and he suggested I put my hands over my head and then I felt much better and started breathing normally again.

It was one of the scariest moments in my life. besides when i had to be taken to the hospital for the same reason that was alot more painful. 

anyway now that i am feeling better and I realize that I ate this morning, I have decided not to eat anything else for the rest of the day. but skip my workout to give a break to my heart.

Also I cheated a little and weighed myself after I ate this morning... and  i am 152.6 lbs!!

so i think if I keep this up, by next week I should be in my 140's !! :D

Ana said shes proud of me [:

supermodel stats

SUPERMODELS

Alessandra Ambrosio: 5'10" 112lbs 34-23-34
Adriana Lima: 5'10" 112lbs 34-23-33
Karolina Kurkova: 5'11" 120lbs 34-25-35
Izabel Goulart: 5'10" 123lbs 33-23-35
Amber Valletta: 5'9" 102lbs
Carmen Kass: 5'10" 114lbs
Gisele Bundchen: 5'11" 115lbs
Petra Nemcova: 5'10" 117lbs
Ana Beatriz Barros: 5'10" 125lbs
Marisa Miller: 5'8" 110lbs
Julia Stegner: 5'11" 123lbs

i feel like a bag of mayo

I honestly do not even feel worthy of writing a blog today. I ate under 300 cals yesterday and today I had nothing so far except for tea. last week I lost 5 lbs and gained it all back from 4 days of bingeing and purging. So this week I feel like i am doing better and trying to keep up my motivation but I still feel like nothing is happening. Impatient. Anxious. 

I should probobly work out before my lazy, fat, dimpled ass grows even more.

 

btw. I am not setting my foot on a scale till my weigh in on Sunday. I always tend to be disappointed if i constantly weigh myself and it turns me into a bitch the whole day. Also I tend to binge if I don't lose enough. Im sure you understand the "fuck it all" mode when you don't lose enough when you work so hard and binge.

hello

I am excited to finally have made a blog! This blog is about my best friend "ED" or Ana. This is a pro-ana blog, so please do not be offended. This blog is for girls just like myself who need a little more support and help with eating disorders and is NOT for people who are trying to recover or people who do not support our lifestyle, so if that is you please leave.

My name is Lisa and last summer I have been diagnosed with EDNOS. I have both symptoms of ana and mia. I am trying to re-invent myself and strive even harder to lose weight and finally reach my goal of 120 lbs. I am currently a whale and I weigh 156 lbs, I am 5'9.

I will eat less than 500 calories throughout the week and sundays will be my "Eat Anything Day". This will go on for a minimum of 2 months until I can think of a better plan. 

Thought this diet I will update this blog and tell you how im doing! (I might even post some pics of my fat belly that will hopefully grow smaller every week [: