Thanksgiving

and i feel so fat and i dont know what to do. i have to cook tommorow and my bf is telling me i need to lose more than 20 lbs to look skinny.. im 5'9 and 146 lbs and i told him i want to lose 20 lbs but apparently that isnt enough. so he yelled at me and told me to "fucking lose it or stop fucking complaining because thats what you do all the time and im sick of hearing it".. and we were watchingthe biggest loser and he mentioned that some of the contestants were my size and some even smaller than I after they lost weight.. and i feel like im delusional because i think i look alot skinnier than these distorted ex-obese people. i dont understand.

i want to fucking cut all the fat out of my body with a fucking kitchen knife.

i dont know what to do. someone help me btw. i am the second asian girl on the runway and i posted another pic from my last photoshoot. please tell me if i am crazy for thinking i only need to lose 20 lbs not more...

I hate Halloween.

went down to 145 then halloween brought me up to 147. working my bootie off to get this off.

what started this today

was when I was making fun of a chubby girl and i asked my boyfriend jokingly.. " do i look like that?" and he didnt say anything. his argument was that even if he said I was skinny I wouldnt believe him .. but I still like to hear from him that I am .. ugh idk FASTING STARTING NOW until im skinny.

FML i found some really triggering

old pictures of me today on a friends facebook. i look so gross . those pics were when i was 156 and im at 148 right now but i still feel gross. also my friends sister who i thought was chubby is apparently 150 and a inch shorter than me. fasting starting right now. im so disgusted by myself

im loving these thinspo vid btw.

also this one (THIN) swedish girl is giving me so much motivation.

I'm BACK!

ate less than 300 cals yesterday and im back to 148. 

not eating today..

not eating tommorow

not eating the day after tommorow

and so forth till i am in my 130's.

then im going to wait till my weight stabilizes and get my metalbolism back then the cycle starts again until im in my 120's [:

im so pumped and excited for this..

and i quit cheer so i can focus on ana and my singing [:

once i get to my 130's i am going VINTAGE shopping and spending $1000 on a new wardrobe of SMALLER teeny clothes. :D

hiatus

currently 148. im on a break, for my own sanity.

in the meantime... my birthday is coming up so im making a wishlist!

1.   http://www.chanel.com/fashion/8#8-large-flap-bag-1,1,3,4

2.  black rimless gucci sunglasses

3.  http://www.chanel.com/fashion/8#8-orylag-evening-clutch-with-pearl-chain-and-chanel-signature-1,1,3,26

1.  http://www3.jcpenney.com/jcp/X6.aspx?GrpTyp=PRD&ItemID=190ed85&DeptID=70731&CatID=71777&SO=0&x5view=1&Ne=5+3+14+1037+1031+23+18+904+949+833&shopperType=G&N=4294953499&Nao=42&PSO=0&CmCatId=70731

2.  more juicy velour pants/tracksuits

3. Chanel studs

4.  MAC eyeshadow pallette

5.  http://www1.bloomingdales.com/catalog/product/index.ognc?ID=469567&CategoryID=19956

6.  http://www2.victoriassecret.com/commerce/onlineProductDisplay.vs?namespace=productDisplay&origin=onlineProductDisplay.jsp&event=display&prnbr=KB-259434&page=4&cgname=OSCLOSPTZZZ&rfnbr=4623

(I like the black love pink one or the pink snake one)

7.  http://www2.victoriassecret.com/commerce/onlineProductDisplay.vs?namespace=productDisplay&origin=onlineProductDisplay.jsp&event=display&prnbr=KB-260395&page=1&cgname=OSCLODRSBLK&rfnbr=3198

8. I want this for when i get skinny.. http://www2.victoriassecret.com/commerce/onlineProductDisplay.vs?namespace=productDisplay&origin=onlineProductDisplay.jsp&event=display&prnbr=KB-259041&page=4&cgname=OSCLOSXYZZZ&rfnbr=3367

9.  http://www.forever21.com/product.asp?

catalog%5Fname=FOREVER21&category%5Fname=acc%5Fbelts&product%5Fid=2067392061&Page=1

10.  http://www2.victoriassecret.com/commerce/onlineProductDisplay.vs?namespace=productDisplay&origin=onlineProductDisplay.jsp&event=display&prnbr=KB-258907&page=2&cgname=OSCLOTOPHOO&rfnbr=6533